IT'S THE SMALL MOMENTS

 Another year comes to an end. As I'm wrapping up this year I am realizing so many beautiful moments I have experienced this year. Sometimes I realize I won't remember these things in 50 years like how I used to be scared of certain things or how beautiful the sky looked this morning, my mom's voice, and it makes me a little sad as I never want to forget those.

 This year, every now and then I did some things that little me would've loved. And I love it when I hear that little me giggle. I fell in love with animals and of course humans. But I'm glad that I did when I did. I often used to think that in another universe maybe my childhood memories are sweets and cotton candy; I wouldn't be good at running away; I could face the world bare and brave. Maybe in another universe, I wouldn't have bloomed in all the wrong ways. From childhood, I had never believed in permanence, and yet I longed for it. I remember thinking that the only way to be loved was if I reinvented myself to be desirable. As it turns out, the person whose love I was seeking in the first place was myself, and the most desirable version of myself I could think of was a happy person. Deciding to work on that made me realize that the small things make life worth living.

I listened to so many songs this year. Mostly through the people I cherish. To me, songs are kind of like bookmarks. When I listen to a song that I haven't heard in a while, all of a sudden, all the memories of that time come back, and I remember what my life used to be like and what my life is at the moment. 

I read books. I didn't know I could enjoy reading books. Took my favorite subject as my major and I'm LOVING it.

It feels good when I realize I'm a better version of myself at the moment than I was before. Sometimes I yearn to meet all the versions of me that existed in the past. It's wild that every version of me probably exists still somewhere in someone's memory. The messy me crying on the floor exists still. The happy, sun-soaked me, exists in my best friend's memory. No part of me has died, all parts of us exist always, simultaneously & hidden. For me, that is the most beautiful realization that every version of me is still alive; someone remembers me by it. It makes the current me giggle.

The other day I was thinking, I'm going to die in the universe someone loved me in. It hurts a little though. A few days later, I was on my way home. I saw two old best friends clicking selfies, laughing together. I could actually imagine my best friend and me doing this someday. Then I comprehended that maybe dying in a universe where I was loved is not something to be sad about but rather something to feel relief. Because even if I die, someone will always keep me alive in this universe with their memories of me.

 I miss my mom's cooking a lot. She knew what I loved to eat, and it's like she shared that with everyone. Recently, I went to a friend's place, and her mom made all my favorite foods. I'm thankful for people who try to make up for my mom's absence. It means a lot to me.

 As I pen down these thoughts, reminiscing about the waning moments of the year, I can't help but acknowledge the journey I've been on. It's been a mix of challenges, triumphs, and those unnoticed small moments that color life with meaning. 

 

Here's to my own wonderful conclusion to this year. Here's to raising a toast to the small moments that added depth and meaning to my year. 🥂✨

Cheers to Life

 The worst thing happened but the next day the sun still came up. I had made my tea and listened to my favorite song. Read quotes, and said good morning. And faced the day with a little bit of hope in my heart.

  We say little things but those little things have created our current best self. if we look back it's not those big decisions we took, it was the moments we lived.

 For a while, there was no track in life. I wasn't going anywhere. Felt stuck for a long time. I was looking for a path to hop on and to follow. But it took me a long time to realize I don't need to find a track to follow, I can create my very own path. And it has been so amazing creating my own track.

 Picked up the pen and started writing my own story where I'm the main character. Filling every page of my life journal with love, lessons, achievements, and zero regrets. Writing my life journal has been the most amazing feeling in the world. I would never trade this feeling for anything. It made me love my life a little bit more every day.

 5 years ago I was a mess. Still, I am a mess but at peace with it and with a cooler fashion sense. I've created a new version of myself. A me that celebrates small victories. A me that doesn't force things to work, doesn't push friendships and doesn't squeeze myself to fit in someone else's jigsaw puzzle. A me, that's grateful when things work out and okay when they don't. I've created a version of me that loves me.

 I did everything because every day seemed like it was raining and I always wanted to see the sun again. I did it for the days when I would laugh so hard my stomach would hurt. I did it because I wanted to believe that despite the messed up person that I am, despite all the scars and the holes in my chest, I deserve another shot at happiness.

 I know it took a while, but I couldn't be prouder.

 I finally came back into this version of myself where I am eager to do a lot of things without minding what others might think and say about them. I want to reach a bunch of stars. collect them one by one, no matter how high and far they are. no matter how impossible they are to touch. I am willing to climb heights just to have them. 

 If suffering first means holding the stars one day, I am willing to pass through them without any doubt. As I am always becoming unbecoming.

 A lot of things are ending and a lot of thongs are beginning. And everything is worth it. Because there's always something good coming.

 Cheers to everything.

Living My Life by Being a little kinder to Myself

 I am clumsy and clunky and often too loud. I could be a better friend I could be a better partner, I could be a better sibling. I am full of love in all my messiness and through all the abrasiveness too. I don't know.

 I keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments. Sometimes when I think of my childhood that is so far away and its ancient history, it was just yesterday. I am both an adult and I turned 5 years old yesterday. The past is the past but also the present and it chokes me with everything I do remember and everything that I don't know. I walk into the bathroom and I see a child staring back and she is crying. Sometimes I cry too.

 Listening to the same song I used to listen to when I was 12-13 years old is something else. It's like I'm still her, again nothing like her anymore. She knew everything, she knew nothing. She was so right, then again she was so wrong.

 I was not ready to go back to where I belonged; I fought my way back to where I wanted to be. I have learned what life was trying to teach me. It wasn't making me stronger; it was just making sure that I'm strong enough if anything happens. And guess what? I'm still alive. I've survived. Once I was on the verge of giving up. I wanted to die a hundred times a day. But I was still in love with the life. I still am. It's because of the people I love, the moments I share with them. It's like everything I do with them or simply their presence in my life inspires me every day to live. I survived to become this or maybe a better version of myself. I'm so thankful that I met every morning I didn't want to see and I'm grateful that my body carried me on the days I thought I couldn't get through.

 The thought of not having to wake up in the middle of the night just to cry; the sense of purpose, and knowing for sure that there's a place in this universe only meant for me. I long for that, I finally know in my heart and truly believe that good things are worth the chase. I realized that big joy and small joy are the same. This morning I was listening to my favorite song while having tea, and I realized I really don't care what Big Things are going to happen in the future as long as I can see the people I love, I can enjoy my tea while listening to my favorite song.

It's really comforting to know that all the times I was at my lowest in the past the whole time I had myself in the future and present who had survived those things looking back with love and tenderness and wishing desperately to offer comfort.

 

 Sometimes it hurts worse when losing someone stops hurting as much as it did before. It's like I'm moving on unwillingly because time keeps pushing me forward and I ache because I know that they're going to leave my heart and my memories soon and I won't be able to do anything. As long as I remember I'm trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each others' lives. No matter how I think about it, I can't make it sound romantic or poetic. I'm so weary and spaced out all the time that I can't keep up small talk. The thing that scares me the most is that the people I love will be disappointed and I don't know what to do.

 

I can't remember growing up. I remember those moments when I felt happy, I felt alive. Like incredibly alive. The thing that makes me the most emotional in life is the realization that everything I have and everything I see has been touched by other people. Someone decided which paintings should go in the calendar hanging on my wall. Someone built the roof above my head and someone paved the street outside my house. Someone made this pair of glasses specifically for me, someone picked the mango I ate with my breakfast and someone designed my favorite sweater. Every book I read, every song I listen to, every film I watch, if not hundreds of people had to be there to make it happen. Even if I am alone, I am always surrounded by other human beings - a fact that makes my heart squeeze in on itself every time I remember it.

Today, my thoughts smiled back at me and I realized I like who I am becoming. Some days my self-talk is pretty good and some days it's total shit but it's becoming a lot more natural to be kind to myself.

So Many Firsts happened!

 The other day, lying in bed I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, and how much in my mind. So many thoughts that hold me back sometimes. Among all of the thoughts, the thought that things might not work out scares me the most. That doesn't let me try anything new or even the things that I'm actually good at.

 I grew up being afraid of almost everything and went inside my head. My mind is not plain or a static line, I live in my mind most of the time. When I used to look around and see people of my age doing so many things at the same time; sometimes I used to feel like I want to do those things too even though I am not comfortable with doing them. I know I don't know the names of foods, and I don't even know how to order something. I never learned something that required me to live outside of my room. I never leave my room, not even for some minutes, unless it's an emergency. Yet I never felt like I haven't lived my life. Because I knew that's me and I don't have a problem living like this. I have my own heart, soul, and mind. I am me and it has taken me years to realize how important that is.

 But you know still, there is always something in my mind that I don't understand. There is always noise. I don't understand its meaning, nor do I understand being trapped in it. Sometimes I'm not sure what I mean. And if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it. Sometimes I live in the past. I feel stuck in memories and the things I've done wrong. I live in some illusion that one morning it will vanish. 

 I forgot for a while that sometimes spending time with certain people makes everything better. And it actually happened. Sometimes relationships are just made. You don't have to do anything to make these bonds. It just happens. The little voice inside my head that always used to say "Do it", knowing that I'm not comfortable doing it. I always ignored that voice. I was afraid I guess that I might able to do it or that the thing isn't just for me to try. But I'm learning to appreciate that little voice. I actually want to thank that little voice; whoever has put that in my head, I'll be forever grateful.

 3 months of 2023 and so many firsts have already happened. From being unable to make friends to being friends with some fantastic people. From staying quiet; no matter what people say or do, to taking a stand for myself when the world was against me. From rarely being able to plan a perfect friends day out, to planning them on every Monday. From not being able to have street foods more often, to trying them almost every day. From being scared of needles, to donating blood for the first time. I made little progress every day. I'm still making them. All of these happened because of that voice; that is always cheering me up, no matter what happens.

 I'm still trying to make myself a little digestible, a little bit easy to love, and a human who can make a difference.

Existed, Until I learnt To Live Again

 Deep down, I always knew I was this clumsy person who would mess things up. I thought I was just protecting that gooey little heart of mine, the people I love in the only way I could: by keeping my distance from everything and everyone. I was wrong. I read a quote that says, "If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now".

 You know at some point in life when you have gone through so much and you think you have seen the worse but those worse things lead you to someplace where everything starts to make sense. Everything that has happened, the reason behind it. Everything becomes clear to you. I have seen all the worst things I have ever imagined this past year. Everything was going really well and one day my whole world was upside down. it was like someone forced me to get on a roller coaster. Alone. Of course, I hated it. I was on the verge of giving up so many times. Somehow I didn't. I was like I can't wait to get past this phase, I need to see what all of this was for. Every day I used to wake up and look for reasons that I belong here. I got reasons. Each time. I'm happy that I could find those reasons. 

Sometimes I knew it was terrible. It was overwhelming. I was unsure about everything. But believing that all this will make sense someday is what kept me going. it still does. 

 Emotions sometimes just stay in a box. it's okay to keep that box closed. not everyone needs to see that. But sometimes it's also important to open the box, it's important to acknowledge everything that's going on.

 Nowadays when I try to write something new, I get reminded of new things I've achieved or tried. Sometimes I get confused 'Am I writing for others to read or am I just talking to myself, saying the words I need to hear?' to wake up and laugh and work for the day I'm living. I don't like when someone reminds me of something I used to do in the past. but now I think sometimes it's great to get reminded of what I've overcome and reached heights. Nowadays I walk over things, I used to trip over. From nothing to at least something. If I could get a chance to go back in the past, I wouldn't change anything because that made me 'Me'. 

 Somebody inside of me has always tried, with all her strength, to be nobody. I found my old diary 2 months ago. I used to write in that diary back in 2014. I read all the haunting words written by my thirteen-year-old self. The steps I took back then were so small, so fragile that I never was able to see the change - but now I see it more clearly than ever before. Now I would rather be the girl who said it. Did it. Felt it. I'd rather be someone who decided to put her heart out on the line and find out the ending than someone who never got to know what could've been if she'd only dared to stray a little bit further. I want to be the one whose choices were remembered; noted. I would rather be the one who made the mess than be the one who didn't bother at least trying. I want to be the one with stories to tell. I want to be the one who failed, miserably, but kept on living. I want to know I lived as hard as I could, and if I left too much love scattered in this world, I hope someone at least remembers me by it.

I've learned that people are breathtakingly beautiful and dreadfully disappointing all at the same time. I've learned that your dreams and aspirations often require deep healing and raw honesty. I've learned to be more patient; with people and with myself. I've learned to slow down a bit; to just take it all day by day when life starts to feel overwhelming. I've learned that I must make a home in myself. I must depend on my own intuition. I must follow every crazy path that comes my way with the hope that maybe it will work out this time. Most importantly, I've learned to just keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving, to keep giving, and to keep hoping.

 I've learned that the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are constantly changing. Despite everything being just like old times, we, won't be just like old times. I've learned that this life may not always follow your plan, but everything is divinely placed. And I know, I haven't missed out on what was meant for me. That's why I stopped planning everything and willingly gave life a chance to surprise me. 

 Sometimes it takes a little bit of perspective to remember what's really important. I've learned growth is about stretching, trying new things, and setting small, realistic goals for myself, not picking a "good habit" I've decided I will be doing always and forever from now on. That's not discipline. That's pointless self-torture and unhealthy resistance to change.

 I started noticing small details. I can sense a change in the light, the color of the sky, and the sun's trajectory angling itself lower than last week like a heavy, golden apple weighing heavy from a branch, ready to be picked. All this noticing makes me consider what else I'm bringing my attention to - what am I coming to know in the way that only comes with sitting quietly beside something and letting it reveal itself in time. Like the way, people are longing for each other. All the words we want to say. This body (my body) knows, actually, how it feels, and would love for me to trust it. The way you purse your lips when you're trying to be funny by pretending to be serious. The way dream keeps chattering and returning to me even as I fumble my way around it. 

 I always wanted to grow up. Childhood wasn't that fun. So I was always looking forward to being older. I know growing up brings a lot of responsibilities but I don't mind taking them. Plus if time keeps healing and smoothing out all the creases in my life like it does as the years fly by, Then I can't wait to be 60! In my first blog, I wrote about my wish to know myself, and figure out everything. 9 months later, while writing this blog I know I'm far from where I started. And if I'm halfway there to meeting my best self I'm grateful for everything that has happened. I used to be obsessed with the future. A future where I would finally fit in, a future where I would have everything. But if this year taught me anything, it was that I already fit in. So no regrets. Right now, I'm sitting here, sipping coffee, thinking about some amazing people I've got, and looking forward to becoming that strong person I imagined I'll ever become. I've never been proud of myself! So many lessons, and so many blessings to be grateful for. This is 21 and I love it here! Maybe existing isn't so bad after all.

 

Cheers To Every New Beginning

 I have learned this in a hard way that sometimes you have to push yourself a little hard. It's scary though because we don't know what's gonna happen. But I learned that it's scary because it's new, not because you're incapable.

 I've always lived in a circle. I have always been too scared to let people in or go outside the circle. I enjoy my alone time always. But when I got to thinking I realized I was missing out so much. Like meeting new people or trying something new or simply just going outside of my comfort zone. To start something new, doing something that I've never done before is always scary. If I don't try I'll never know, this thought is tucked in my head. 

 I have learned that I won't ever be ready for what life throws at me. I will never be adequately prepared. I won't have the right words when it counts for something. I won't know the right answer when fate itself is staring me down. But that shouldn't stop me from trying new things. Or I should say, that shouldn't stop me from being the best version of myself.

 Since I was a kid, I think about everything way too much. Even before making coffee, I think a lot. Like do I really need coffee or am I just hungry? As a result, I couldn't drink my coffee and those thoughts didn't help anyway. Sadly I have no control over how much I think. But now I make my coffee anyway. The satisfaction I get after having my coffee has no words. At least I get my inner peace. So I win hehe. 

 I will always remember the day I started blogging. At that time I had no idea about blogging. I just knew I want to give it a try because I used to write before. But I was never comfortable with showing it to anyone. Because I used to think what if it doesn't make sense? But yet I wrote my first blog and posted it anyway. And the response I got was so wholesome. People were inspiring me. Most importantly they read my blog. I wanted to reach people with my words and that was working. It felt nice. Nice is a small word but I don't know how to explain that feeling because finally, I was making a difference.

 When I was an executive in BYFHA I never spoke in a meeting. Even if I had any opinion about something I used to say that through text. But after being promoted, I thought I should be able to talk in meetings. I don't talk on phone calls either. I always prefer texting. But after my promotion, I was feeling responsible. Plus everyone In the control panel is experienced except me. I never worked with an organization before yet they gave me the position. So this is my responsibility to give my best. Finally, I gave my opinion in a meeting. That was the first meeting after I got promoted. I know it's a really small thing but it took me a lot of guts to do that. After the meeting, my next thought was to be friends with them. I can't approach someone. it's not like I don't want to. It's because I don't make a good first impression. So it always scares me If I approach someone they will just run away. But this time I wanted to try. I don't think I made a good first impression but I succeeded. I made friends. Now, these people have my heart. They made everything so easy. They taught me everything. They made me so comfortable with myself that I took two freaking interviews!! Yesterday I wasn't even able to talk in meetings but now I'm taking interviews. Damn, I must be growing up. And I actually thank God for them.

 More than half of the year passed in the admission phase. These past 8months were so hectic. But finally, this is over. Can't be happier about that. Soon I'm gonna start a new life in a new place. I know this was not something I planned but this is happening for a reason. And I wanna trust that reason. I'm so much looking forward to the next part of my life. I have been waiting for that part for so long now. Finally, it's happening.

 I realized I will always be able to sit and wonder about things that could have gone differently. But I can trust that, I haven't missed out on what was meant for me.  

 I know it's hard to trust when so much is unknown, so instead of trying to make sense of it all at once, I just take it all color by color, tree by tree, scent by scent, relationship by relationship. Because I don't have to take it all in at once. I just take in the newness of it all one moment at a time without worrying about the moments to come. Let that be enough. Breathe deep and let this moment be enough. Let this be a place where I find peace.

 

Cheers to every new beginning.

Me, A Fur Mom

 It feels like a blessing when a cat or dog approaches you and trusts you. I used to be afraid of animals. I remember as a child when I used to go to my home town, there was a dog who wanted to play with me. But back then I was too scared of them. Every time that dog came closer to me I cried. Now I regret it though.                                                                                  

My brother brought Lussu when I was in 5th standard. And my feelings towards all the animals changed. Now I'm so obsessed with animals that I want to open a zoo for them.

When I was in 9 standard, one time I was coming back home from school with Ammu, and we saw two puppies sleeping in front of the building. There was a function in school so they gave us chicken fries and some sweets. I gave them to the puppies. After a few days, one of the puppies died. It was winter. The other puppy started sleeping outside our house every night. She was my first dog. Abbu even bought a carpet for her so that she doesn't get cold at night. I used to put alarms early in the morning even on weekends to feed her. It became like a daily routine. She used to listen to everything we said. She was the sweetest dog ever. To this day I miss her.                                                                                                                  

Lussu was with us for 8 years. She owned the biggest part of our hearts and occupied the whole house by herself. She had never seen another cat. Lussu was very aggressive by nature and never listened to anybody. She used to listen to Ammu only.

Days were passing. Until July 4 a cat meowed at our door, we offered her food she ate gratefully. She was meowing a lot. I thought she was looking for something. We opened the door to see if she wanted to go outside, but no. Then I sat on the floor with her. She came closer to me and sat on my lap. And I immediately fell in love with her. Also, she decided to stay with us. Things got pretty intense right away as both Lussu and Lumi were hissing at each other. My brother gave her the name Lumi. Lussu and Lumi; Dada named them by picking alphabets from Ammu's name. They started gradually coping with the situation. Unfortunately, Lumi got severely ill one morning. She was having a breathing problem and wasn't eating. Lussu somewhat understood the matter and was acting very concerned about her, wanted to see her, wanted to get close. As the vet said to keep them separate to stop spreading the disease. Lussu waited outside my room the entire night. We wanted Lumi to get well soon and start chasing Lussu as she used to. We hoped that she will be alright. But she couldn't fight anymore. She left us. She stayed with us for 8days. I miss her a lot. She was so sweet. The first night, she slept hugging me. She chose us. I'm so glad she spent her last few days with us. I'm glad that she chose us.                                                                                     

One time I saw two Sparrows sitting in our window. I put some rice out there for them. After a while, I went to check if they have eaten or not. They ate it all. After that, I started to put food out there every day. Ammu used to say this to everyone very proudly that they know they will get food here that's why they always come to our house.

July 22, kiko and kai came. After that they never let me get bored. They always kept me occupied. Everything I do,they have to be a part of it.Now they don't even eat their food if I'm not home. Lussu used to do that when ammu wasn't at home.They will follow me everywhere in the house.

Last year on December 27, a dog came to our house, following Abbu. She didn't know us but somehow she knew we would never hurt her. I gave her food. I sat beside her while she was eating her food so that she doesn't feel alone. After she was done eating, she sat in front of me. I wanted to pat her. At first, she hesitate a little bit. But after a while, she came closer to me and let me pat her. I gained her trust. After that day she started to come every single day. Every time she saw any of us she would come running. She used to get so excited every time. After a few days, she started to bring her friend. I got two friends. When we left the colony, I was more sad because I had to say goodbye to them.

Then a few days ago on mother's day, I was going to classes and a dog approached me. He never saw me before neither do I. I was patted him. When the other dogs saw me patting him they came too. 6 or 7 dogs were there I guess. I gave them biscuits. After feeding them I was trying to leave. They weren't letting me go. There was a dog who was the smallest of all of them, he grabbed my leg. I waited for a while then he left. I was walking and I saw the dog that approached me first was following me. When I reached the main road, I thought he won't come further anymore. I needed to cross the road. He was walking beside me and helped me to cross the road. He made sure I was safe. He sat beside me until I found a rickshaw. I felt like it was a reminder from Ammu that she will take care of me in different forms. She is with me always and forever.

Today a cat was sitting in front of our house. At first, I got scared because I was not expecting her to sit in front of our house. I saw her before but she is so scared of humans that every time she used to see someone she would just run away. Today when she saw me, she tried to run away but I called her and said, 'wait, I'll give you food'. I don't know how but she understood what I said and sat at a little distance. I gave her a bread. After a while, I went to check if she had finished the bread, but she was still sitting outside our house. I guessed she was hungry so I gave her more food. This time she even let me pat her. She came closer to me. She isn't afraid of me anymore. she ate all of her food and left. I guess she is happy now.

Every animal I mentioned here is my pet. Each and everyone gave me the feeling of motherhood. I don't like kids that much. But I love being the mother of these animals. I love being a Fur Mom. I love that they choose me and trust me. I want to cherish this feeling forever.

To all the people who are being mothers to these innocent animals, Happy Mother's day to you.