I keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments. Sometimes when I think of my childhood that is so far away and its ancient history, it was just yesterday. I am both an adult and I turned 5 years old yesterday. The past is the past but also the present and it chokes me with everything I do remember and everything that I don't know. I walk into the bathroom and I see a child staring back and she is crying. Sometimes I cry too.
I can't remember growing up. I remember those moments when I felt happy, I felt alive. Like incredibly alive. The thing that makes me the most emotional in life is the realization that everything I have and everything I see has been touched by other people. Someone decided which paintings should go in the calendar hanging on my wall. Someone built the roof above my head and someone paved the street outside my house. Someone made this pair of glasses specifically for me, someone picked the mango I ate with my breakfast and someone designed my favorite sweater. Every book I read, every song I listen to, every film I watch, if not hundreds of people had to be there to make it happen. Even if I am alone, I am always surrounded by other human beings - a fact that makes my heart squeeze in on itself every time I remember it.
Listening to the same song I used to listen to when I was 12-13 years old is something else. It's like I'm still her, again nothing like her anymore. She knew everything, she knew nothing. She was so right, then again she was so wrong.
I was not ready to go back to where I belonged; I fought my way back to where I wanted to be. I have learned what life was trying to teach me. It wasn't making me stronger; it was just making sure that I'm strong enough if anything happens. And guess what? I'm still alive. I've survived. Once I was on the verge of giving up. I wanted to die a hundred times a day. But I was still in love with the life. I still am. It's because of the people I love, the moments I share with them. It's like everything I do with them or simply their presence in my life inspires me every day to live. I survived to become this or maybe a better version of myself. I'm so thankful that I met every morning I didn't want to see and I'm grateful that my body carried me on the days I thought I couldn't get through.
The thought of not having to wake up in the middle of the night just to cry; the sense of purpose, and knowing for sure that there's a place in this universe only meant for me. I long for that, I finally know in my heart and truly believe that good things are worth the chase. I realized that big joy and small joy are the same. This morning I was listening to my favorite song while having tea, and I realized I really don't care what Big Things are going to happen in the future as long as I can see the people I love, I can enjoy my tea while listening to my favorite song.
It's really comforting to know that all the times I was at my lowest in the past the whole time I had myself in the future and present who had survived those things looking back with love and tenderness and wishing desperately to offer comfort.
Sometimes it hurts worse when losing someone stops hurting as much as it did before. It's like I'm moving on unwillingly because time keeps pushing me forward and I ache because I know that they're going to leave my heart and my memories soon and I won't be able to do anything. As long as I remember I'm trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each others' lives. No matter how I think about it, I can't make it sound romantic or poetic. I'm so weary and spaced out all the time that I can't keep up small talk. The thing that scares me the most is that the people I love will be disappointed and I don't know what to do.
I can't remember growing up. I remember those moments when I felt happy, I felt alive. Like incredibly alive. The thing that makes me the most emotional in life is the realization that everything I have and everything I see has been touched by other people. Someone decided which paintings should go in the calendar hanging on my wall. Someone built the roof above my head and someone paved the street outside my house. Someone made this pair of glasses specifically for me, someone picked the mango I ate with my breakfast and someone designed my favorite sweater. Every book I read, every song I listen to, every film I watch, if not hundreds of people had to be there to make it happen. Even if I am alone, I am always surrounded by other human beings - a fact that makes my heart squeeze in on itself every time I remember it.
Today, my thoughts smiled back at me and I realized I like who I am becoming. Some days my self-talk is pretty good and some days it's total shit but it's becoming a lot more natural to be kind to myself.
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