Deep down, I always knew I was this clumsy person who would mess things up. I thought I was just protecting that gooey little heart of mine, the people I love in the only way I could: by keeping my distance from everything and everyone. I was wrong. I read a quote that says, "If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now". You know at some point in life when you have gone through so much and you think you have seen the worse but those worse things lead you to someplace where everything starts to make sense. Everything that has happened, the reason behind it. Everything becomes clear to you. I have seen all the worst things I have ever imagined this past year. Everything was going really well and one day my whole world was upside down. it was like someone forced me to get on a roller coaster. Alone. Of course, I hated it. I was on the verge of giving up so many times. Somehow I didn't. I was like I can't wait to get past this phase, I need to see what all of this was for. Every day I used to wake up and look for reasons that I belong here. I got reasons. Each time. I'm happy that I could find those reasons.
Sometimes I knew it was terrible. It was overwhelming. I was unsure about everything. But believing that all this will make sense someday is what kept me going. it still does.
Emotions sometimes just stay in a box. it's okay to keep that box closed. not everyone needs to see that. But sometimes it's also important to open the box, it's important to acknowledge everything that's going on.
Nowadays when I try to write something new, I get reminded of new things I've achieved or tried. Sometimes I get confused 'Am I writing for others to read or am I just talking to myself, saying the words I need to hear?' to wake up and laugh and work for the day I'm living. I don't like when someone reminds me of something I used to do in the past. but now I think sometimes it's great to get reminded of what I've overcome and reached heights. Nowadays I walk over things, I used to trip over. From nothing to at least something. If I could get a chance to go back in the past, I wouldn't change anything because that made me 'Me'.
Somebody inside of me has always tried, with all her strength, to be nobody. I found my old diary 2 months ago. I used to write in that diary back in 2014. I read all the haunting words written by my thirteen-year-old self. The steps I took back then were so small, so fragile that I never was able to see the change - but now I see it more clearly than ever before. Now I would rather be the girl who said it. Did it. Felt it. I'd rather be someone who decided to put her heart out on the line and find out the ending than someone who never got to know what could've been if she'd only dared to stray a little bit further. I want to be the one whose choices were remembered; noted. I would rather be the one who made the mess than be the one who didn't bother at least trying. I want to be the one with stories to tell. I want to be the one who failed, miserably, but kept on living. I want to know I lived as hard as I could, and if I left too much love scattered in this world, I hope someone at least remembers me by it.
I've learned that people are breathtakingly beautiful and dreadfully disappointing all at the same time. I've learned that your dreams and aspirations often require deep healing and raw honesty. I've learned to be more patient; with people and with myself. I've learned to slow down a bit; to just take it all day by day when life starts to feel overwhelming. I've learned that I must make a home in myself. I must depend on my own intuition. I must follow every crazy path that comes my way with the hope that maybe it will work out this time. Most importantly, I've learned to just keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving, to keep giving, and to keep hoping.
I've learned that the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are constantly changing. Despite everything being just like old times, we, won't be just like old times. I've learned that this life may not always follow your plan, but everything is divinely placed. And I know, I haven't missed out on what was meant for me. That's why I stopped planning everything and willingly gave life a chance to surprise me.
Sometimes it takes a little bit of perspective to remember what's really important. I've learned growth is about stretching, trying new things, and setting small, realistic goals for myself, not picking a "good habit" I've decided I will be doing always and forever from now on. That's not discipline. That's pointless self-torture and unhealthy resistance to change.
I started noticing small details. I can sense a change in the light, the color of the sky, and the sun's trajectory angling itself lower than last week like a heavy, golden apple weighing heavy from a branch, ready to be picked. All this noticing makes me consider what else I'm bringing my attention to - what am I coming to know in the way that only comes with sitting quietly beside something and letting it reveal itself in time. Like the way, people are longing for each other. All the words we want to say. This body (my body) knows, actually, how it feels, and would love for me to trust it. The way you purse your lips when you're trying to be funny by pretending to be serious. The way dream keeps chattering and returning to me even as I fumble my way around it.
I always wanted to grow up. Childhood wasn't that fun. So I was always looking forward to being older. I know growing up brings a lot of responsibilities but I don't mind taking them. Plus if time keeps healing and smoothing out all the creases in my life like it does as the years fly by, Then I can't wait to be 60! In my first blog, I wrote about my wish to know myself, and figure out everything. 9 months later, while writing this blog I know I'm far from where I started. And if I'm halfway there to meeting my best self I'm grateful for everything that has happened. I used to be obsessed with the future. A future where I would finally fit in, a future where I would have everything. But if this year taught me anything, it was that I already fit in. So no regrets. Right now, I'm sitting here, sipping coffee, thinking about some amazing people I've got, and looking forward to becoming that strong person I imagined I'll ever become. I've never been proud of myself! So many lessons, and so many blessings to be grateful for. This is 21 and I love it here! Maybe existing isn't so bad after all.
