I have learned this in a hard way that sometimes you have to push yourself a little hard. It's scary though because we don't know what's gonna happen. But I learned that it's scary because it's new, not because you're incapable.
I've always lived in a circle. I have always been too scared to let people in or go outside the circle. I enjoy my alone time always. But when I got to thinking I realized I was missing out so much. Like meeting new people or trying something new or simply just going outside of my comfort zone. To start something new, doing something that I've never done before is always scary. If I don't try I'll never know, this thought is tucked in my head.
I have learned that I won't ever be ready for what life throws at me. I will never be adequately prepared. I won't have the right words when it counts for something. I won't know the right answer when fate itself is staring me down. But that shouldn't stop me from trying new things. Or I should say, that shouldn't stop me from being the best version of myself.
Since I was a kid, I think about everything way too much. Even before making coffee, I think a lot. Like do I really need coffee or am I just hungry? As a result, I couldn't drink my coffee and those thoughts didn't help anyway. Sadly I have no control over how much I think. But now I make my coffee anyway. The satisfaction I get after having my coffee has no words. At least I get my inner peace. So I win hehe.
I will always remember the day I started blogging. At that time I had no idea about blogging. I just knew I want to give it a try because I used to write before. But I was never comfortable with showing it to anyone. Because I used to think what if it doesn't make sense? But yet I wrote my first blog and posted it anyway. And the response I got was so wholesome. People were inspiring me. Most importantly they read my blog. I wanted to reach people with my words and that was working. It felt nice. Nice is a small word but I don't know how to explain that feeling because finally, I was making a difference.
When I was an executive in BYFHA I never spoke in a meeting. Even if I had any opinion about something I used to say that through text. But after being promoted, I thought I should be able to talk in meetings. I don't talk on phone calls either. I always prefer texting. But after my promotion, I was feeling responsible. Plus everyone In the control panel is experienced except me. I never worked with an organization before yet they gave me the position. So this is my responsibility to give my best. Finally, I gave my opinion in a meeting. That was the first meeting after I got promoted. I know it's a really small thing but it took me a lot of guts to do that. After the meeting, my next thought was to be friends with them. I can't approach someone. it's not like I don't want to. It's because I don't make a good first impression. So it always scares me If I approach someone they will just run away. But this time I wanted to try. I don't think I made a good first impression but I succeeded. I made friends. Now, these people have my heart. They made everything so easy. They taught me everything. They made me so comfortable with myself that I took two freaking interviews!! Yesterday I wasn't even able to talk in meetings but now I'm taking interviews. Damn, I must be growing up. And I actually thank God for them.
More than half of the year passed in the admission phase. These past 8months were so hectic. But finally, this is over. Can't be happier about that. Soon I'm gonna start a new life in a new place. I know this was not something I planned but this is happening for a reason. And I wanna trust that reason. I'm so much looking forward to the next part of my life. I have been waiting for that part for so long now. Finally, it's happening.
I realized I will always be able to sit and wonder about things that could have gone differently. But I can trust that, I haven't missed out on what was meant for me.
I know it's hard to trust when so much is unknown, so instead of trying to make sense of it all at once, I just take it all color by color, tree by tree, scent by scent, relationship by relationship. Because I don't have to take it all in at once. I just take in the newness of it all one moment at a time without worrying about the moments to come. Let that be enough. Breathe deep and let this moment be enough. Let this be a place where I find peace.
Cheers to every new beginning.
