IT'S THE SMALL MOMENTS

 Another year comes to an end. As I'm wrapping up this year I am realizing so many beautiful moments I have experienced this year. Sometimes I realize I won't remember these things in 50 years like how I used to be scared of certain things or how beautiful the sky looked this morning, my mom's voice, and it makes me a little sad as I never want to forget those.

 This year, every now and then I did some things that little me would've loved. And I love it when I hear that little me giggle. I fell in love with animals and of course humans. But I'm glad that I did when I did. I often used to think that in another universe maybe my childhood memories are sweets and cotton candy; I wouldn't be good at running away; I could face the world bare and brave. Maybe in another universe, I wouldn't have bloomed in all the wrong ways. From childhood, I had never believed in permanence, and yet I longed for it. I remember thinking that the only way to be loved was if I reinvented myself to be desirable. As it turns out, the person whose love I was seeking in the first place was myself, and the most desirable version of myself I could think of was a happy person. Deciding to work on that made me realize that the small things make life worth living.

I listened to so many songs this year. Mostly through the people I cherish. To me, songs are kind of like bookmarks. When I listen to a song that I haven't heard in a while, all of a sudden, all the memories of that time come back, and I remember what my life used to be like and what my life is at the moment. 

I read books. I didn't know I could enjoy reading books. Took my favorite subject as my major and I'm LOVING it.

It feels good when I realize I'm a better version of myself at the moment than I was before. Sometimes I yearn to meet all the versions of me that existed in the past. It's wild that every version of me probably exists still somewhere in someone's memory. The messy me crying on the floor exists still. The happy, sun-soaked me, exists in my best friend's memory. No part of me has died, all parts of us exist always, simultaneously & hidden. For me, that is the most beautiful realization that every version of me is still alive; someone remembers me by it. It makes the current me giggle.

The other day I was thinking, I'm going to die in the universe someone loved me in. It hurts a little though. A few days later, I was on my way home. I saw two old best friends clicking selfies, laughing together. I could actually imagine my best friend and me doing this someday. Then I comprehended that maybe dying in a universe where I was loved is not something to be sad about but rather something to feel relief. Because even if I die, someone will always keep me alive in this universe with their memories of me.

 I miss my mom's cooking a lot. She knew what I loved to eat, and it's like she shared that with everyone. Recently, I went to a friend's place, and her mom made all my favorite foods. I'm thankful for people who try to make up for my mom's absence. It means a lot to me.

 As I pen down these thoughts, reminiscing about the waning moments of the year, I can't help but acknowledge the journey I've been on. It's been a mix of challenges, triumphs, and those unnoticed small moments that color life with meaning. 

 

Here's to my own wonderful conclusion to this year. Here's to raising a toast to the small moments that added depth and meaning to my year. 🥂✨