Cheers to Life

 The worst thing happened but the next day the sun still came up. I had made my tea and listened to my favorite song. Read quotes, and said good morning. And faced the day with a little bit of hope in my heart.

  We say little things but those little things have created our current best self. if we look back it's not those big decisions we took, it was the moments we lived.

 For a while, there was no track in life. I wasn't going anywhere. Felt stuck for a long time. I was looking for a path to hop on and to follow. But it took me a long time to realize I don't need to find a track to follow, I can create my very own path. And it has been so amazing creating my own track.

 Picked up the pen and started writing my own story where I'm the main character. Filling every page of my life journal with love, lessons, achievements, and zero regrets. Writing my life journal has been the most amazing feeling in the world. I would never trade this feeling for anything. It made me love my life a little bit more every day.

 5 years ago I was a mess. Still, I am a mess but at peace with it and with a cooler fashion sense. I've created a new version of myself. A me that celebrates small victories. A me that doesn't force things to work, doesn't push friendships and doesn't squeeze myself to fit in someone else's jigsaw puzzle. A me, that's grateful when things work out and okay when they don't. I've created a version of me that loves me.

 I did everything because every day seemed like it was raining and I always wanted to see the sun again. I did it for the days when I would laugh so hard my stomach would hurt. I did it because I wanted to believe that despite the messed up person that I am, despite all the scars and the holes in my chest, I deserve another shot at happiness.

 I know it took a while, but I couldn't be prouder.

 I finally came back into this version of myself where I am eager to do a lot of things without minding what others might think and say about them. I want to reach a bunch of stars. collect them one by one, no matter how high and far they are. no matter how impossible they are to touch. I am willing to climb heights just to have them. 

 If suffering first means holding the stars one day, I am willing to pass through them without any doubt. As I am always becoming unbecoming.

 A lot of things are ending and a lot of thongs are beginning. And everything is worth it. Because there's always something good coming.

 Cheers to everything.

Living My Life by Being a little kinder to Myself

 I am clumsy and clunky and often too loud. I could be a better friend I could be a better partner, I could be a better sibling. I am full of love in all my messiness and through all the abrasiveness too. I don't know.

 I keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments. Sometimes when I think of my childhood that is so far away and its ancient history, it was just yesterday. I am both an adult and I turned 5 years old yesterday. The past is the past but also the present and it chokes me with everything I do remember and everything that I don't know. I walk into the bathroom and I see a child staring back and she is crying. Sometimes I cry too.

 Listening to the same song I used to listen to when I was 12-13 years old is something else. It's like I'm still her, again nothing like her anymore. She knew everything, she knew nothing. She was so right, then again she was so wrong.

 I was not ready to go back to where I belonged; I fought my way back to where I wanted to be. I have learned what life was trying to teach me. It wasn't making me stronger; it was just making sure that I'm strong enough if anything happens. And guess what? I'm still alive. I've survived. Once I was on the verge of giving up. I wanted to die a hundred times a day. But I was still in love with the life. I still am. It's because of the people I love, the moments I share with them. It's like everything I do with them or simply their presence in my life inspires me every day to live. I survived to become this or maybe a better version of myself. I'm so thankful that I met every morning I didn't want to see and I'm grateful that my body carried me on the days I thought I couldn't get through.

 The thought of not having to wake up in the middle of the night just to cry; the sense of purpose, and knowing for sure that there's a place in this universe only meant for me. I long for that, I finally know in my heart and truly believe that good things are worth the chase. I realized that big joy and small joy are the same. This morning I was listening to my favorite song while having tea, and I realized I really don't care what Big Things are going to happen in the future as long as I can see the people I love, I can enjoy my tea while listening to my favorite song.

It's really comforting to know that all the times I was at my lowest in the past the whole time I had myself in the future and present who had survived those things looking back with love and tenderness and wishing desperately to offer comfort.

 

 Sometimes it hurts worse when losing someone stops hurting as much as it did before. It's like I'm moving on unwillingly because time keeps pushing me forward and I ache because I know that they're going to leave my heart and my memories soon and I won't be able to do anything. As long as I remember I'm trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each others' lives. No matter how I think about it, I can't make it sound romantic or poetic. I'm so weary and spaced out all the time that I can't keep up small talk. The thing that scares me the most is that the people I love will be disappointed and I don't know what to do.

 

I can't remember growing up. I remember those moments when I felt happy, I felt alive. Like incredibly alive. The thing that makes me the most emotional in life is the realization that everything I have and everything I see has been touched by other people. Someone decided which paintings should go in the calendar hanging on my wall. Someone built the roof above my head and someone paved the street outside my house. Someone made this pair of glasses specifically for me, someone picked the mango I ate with my breakfast and someone designed my favorite sweater. Every book I read, every song I listen to, every film I watch, if not hundreds of people had to be there to make it happen. Even if I am alone, I am always surrounded by other human beings - a fact that makes my heart squeeze in on itself every time I remember it.

Today, my thoughts smiled back at me and I realized I like who I am becoming. Some days my self-talk is pretty good and some days it's total shit but it's becoming a lot more natural to be kind to myself.