Cheers To Every New Beginning

 I have learned this in a hard way that sometimes you have to push yourself a little hard. It's scary though because we don't know what's gonna happen. But I learned that it's scary because it's new, not because you're incapable.

 I've always lived in a circle. I have always been too scared to let people in or go outside the circle. I enjoy my alone time always. But when I got to thinking I realized I was missing out so much. Like meeting new people or trying something new or simply just going outside of my comfort zone. To start something new, doing something that I've never done before is always scary. If I don't try I'll never know, this thought is tucked in my head. 

 I have learned that I won't ever be ready for what life throws at me. I will never be adequately prepared. I won't have the right words when it counts for something. I won't know the right answer when fate itself is staring me down. But that shouldn't stop me from trying new things. Or I should say, that shouldn't stop me from being the best version of myself.

 Since I was a kid, I think about everything way too much. Even before making coffee, I think a lot. Like do I really need coffee or am I just hungry? As a result, I couldn't drink my coffee and those thoughts didn't help anyway. Sadly I have no control over how much I think. But now I make my coffee anyway. The satisfaction I get after having my coffee has no words. At least I get my inner peace. So I win hehe. 

 I will always remember the day I started blogging. At that time I had no idea about blogging. I just knew I want to give it a try because I used to write before. But I was never comfortable with showing it to anyone. Because I used to think what if it doesn't make sense? But yet I wrote my first blog and posted it anyway. And the response I got was so wholesome. People were inspiring me. Most importantly they read my blog. I wanted to reach people with my words and that was working. It felt nice. Nice is a small word but I don't know how to explain that feeling because finally, I was making a difference.

 When I was an executive in BYFHA I never spoke in a meeting. Even if I had any opinion about something I used to say that through text. But after being promoted, I thought I should be able to talk in meetings. I don't talk on phone calls either. I always prefer texting. But after my promotion, I was feeling responsible. Plus everyone In the control panel is experienced except me. I never worked with an organization before yet they gave me the position. So this is my responsibility to give my best. Finally, I gave my opinion in a meeting. That was the first meeting after I got promoted. I know it's a really small thing but it took me a lot of guts to do that. After the meeting, my next thought was to be friends with them. I can't approach someone. it's not like I don't want to. It's because I don't make a good first impression. So it always scares me If I approach someone they will just run away. But this time I wanted to try. I don't think I made a good first impression but I succeeded. I made friends. Now, these people have my heart. They made everything so easy. They taught me everything. They made me so comfortable with myself that I took two freaking interviews!! Yesterday I wasn't even able to talk in meetings but now I'm taking interviews. Damn, I must be growing up. And I actually thank God for them.

 More than half of the year passed in the admission phase. These past 8months were so hectic. But finally, this is over. Can't be happier about that. Soon I'm gonna start a new life in a new place. I know this was not something I planned but this is happening for a reason. And I wanna trust that reason. I'm so much looking forward to the next part of my life. I have been waiting for that part for so long now. Finally, it's happening.

 I realized I will always be able to sit and wonder about things that could have gone differently. But I can trust that, I haven't missed out on what was meant for me.  

 I know it's hard to trust when so much is unknown, so instead of trying to make sense of it all at once, I just take it all color by color, tree by tree, scent by scent, relationship by relationship. Because I don't have to take it all in at once. I just take in the newness of it all one moment at a time without worrying about the moments to come. Let that be enough. Breathe deep and let this moment be enough. Let this be a place where I find peace.

 

Cheers to every new beginning.

Me, A Fur Mom

 It feels like a blessing when a cat or dog approaches you and trusts you. I used to be afraid of animals. I remember as a child when I used to go to my home town, there was a dog who wanted to play with me. But back then I was too scared of them. Every time that dog came closer to me I cried. Now I regret it though.                                                                                  

My brother brought Lussu when I was in 5th standard. And my feelings towards all the animals changed. Now I'm so obsessed with animals that I want to open a zoo for them.

When I was in 9 standard, one time I was coming back home from school with Ammu, and we saw two puppies sleeping in front of the building. There was a function in school so they gave us chicken fries and some sweets. I gave them to the puppies. After a few days, one of the puppies died. It was winter. The other puppy started sleeping outside our house every night. She was my first dog. Abbu even bought a carpet for her so that she doesn't get cold at night. I used to put alarms early in the morning even on weekends to feed her. It became like a daily routine. She used to listen to everything we said. She was the sweetest dog ever. To this day I miss her.                                                                                                                  

Lussu was with us for 8 years. She owned the biggest part of our hearts and occupied the whole house by herself. She had never seen another cat. Lussu was very aggressive by nature and never listened to anybody. She used to listen to Ammu only.

Days were passing. Until July 4 a cat meowed at our door, we offered her food she ate gratefully. She was meowing a lot. I thought she was looking for something. We opened the door to see if she wanted to go outside, but no. Then I sat on the floor with her. She came closer to me and sat on my lap. And I immediately fell in love with her. Also, she decided to stay with us. Things got pretty intense right away as both Lussu and Lumi were hissing at each other. My brother gave her the name Lumi. Lussu and Lumi; Dada named them by picking alphabets from Ammu's name. They started gradually coping with the situation. Unfortunately, Lumi got severely ill one morning. She was having a breathing problem and wasn't eating. Lussu somewhat understood the matter and was acting very concerned about her, wanted to see her, wanted to get close. As the vet said to keep them separate to stop spreading the disease. Lussu waited outside my room the entire night. We wanted Lumi to get well soon and start chasing Lussu as she used to. We hoped that she will be alright. But she couldn't fight anymore. She left us. She stayed with us for 8days. I miss her a lot. She was so sweet. The first night, she slept hugging me. She chose us. I'm so glad she spent her last few days with us. I'm glad that she chose us.                                                                                     

One time I saw two Sparrows sitting in our window. I put some rice out there for them. After a while, I went to check if they have eaten or not. They ate it all. After that, I started to put food out there every day. Ammu used to say this to everyone very proudly that they know they will get food here that's why they always come to our house.

July 22, kiko and kai came. After that they never let me get bored. They always kept me occupied. Everything I do,they have to be a part of it.Now they don't even eat their food if I'm not home. Lussu used to do that when ammu wasn't at home.They will follow me everywhere in the house.

Last year on December 27, a dog came to our house, following Abbu. She didn't know us but somehow she knew we would never hurt her. I gave her food. I sat beside her while she was eating her food so that she doesn't feel alone. After she was done eating, she sat in front of me. I wanted to pat her. At first, she hesitate a little bit. But after a while, she came closer to me and let me pat her. I gained her trust. After that day she started to come every single day. Every time she saw any of us she would come running. She used to get so excited every time. After a few days, she started to bring her friend. I got two friends. When we left the colony, I was more sad because I had to say goodbye to them.

Then a few days ago on mother's day, I was going to classes and a dog approached me. He never saw me before neither do I. I was patted him. When the other dogs saw me patting him they came too. 6 or 7 dogs were there I guess. I gave them biscuits. After feeding them I was trying to leave. They weren't letting me go. There was a dog who was the smallest of all of them, he grabbed my leg. I waited for a while then he left. I was walking and I saw the dog that approached me first was following me. When I reached the main road, I thought he won't come further anymore. I needed to cross the road. He was walking beside me and helped me to cross the road. He made sure I was safe. He sat beside me until I found a rickshaw. I felt like it was a reminder from Ammu that she will take care of me in different forms. She is with me always and forever.

Today a cat was sitting in front of our house. At first, I got scared because I was not expecting her to sit in front of our house. I saw her before but she is so scared of humans that every time she used to see someone she would just run away. Today when she saw me, she tried to run away but I called her and said, 'wait, I'll give you food'. I don't know how but she understood what I said and sat at a little distance. I gave her a bread. After a while, I went to check if she had finished the bread, but she was still sitting outside our house. I guessed she was hungry so I gave her more food. This time she even let me pat her. She came closer to me. She isn't afraid of me anymore. she ate all of her food and left. I guess she is happy now.

Every animal I mentioned here is my pet. Each and everyone gave me the feeling of motherhood. I don't like kids that much. But I love being the mother of these animals. I love being a Fur Mom. I love that they choose me and trust me. I want to cherish this feeling forever.

To all the people who are being mothers to these innocent animals, Happy Mother's day to you.

                                                                                                                     

Moving To A New Place; New Home

February 22, finally we started to move our old furniture that we are not gonna take with us to our new home. After moving all the furniture I looked at my empty bedroom for a while. 

I love going out but in the end, I always looked forward to coming home and lying down on my bed.

There was an old showcase in my room. Ammu stored toys from my and my brother's childhood. I used to love it a lot. Sometimes I used to just look at it and felt happy because those toys were the only thing I have from my childhood. When I was cleaning the showcase I felt like I was going through a memory lane. I don't remember the stories of each toy. But I remember some of them. I remember playing with them. It was too hard to throw any of them but I had to let go...

14 March, we got the key to our new home. It was a kinda emotional moment for us to see the key to our new home finally. I don't know what I was feeling at that moment. Lots of feelings were coming through.

16 March, the last day in this home. We are leaving tomorrow. It feels weird though. Because I like to stay in my comfort zones but now I've to make another comfort zone.

I've lived in this house for 16 years. The oldest memory I can remember was in this house. I remember the day when I went to school for the first time with Ammu and Abbu. I don't remember anything else but this one.

I knew for a long time that we are gonna leave soon. But I didn't feel anything at first. It hit me when I first saw that it was actually happening and I had to leave this place. I'm excited to move to our new house. At the same time, I'm sad that I've had to leave this place. From a kid roaming around the house to a college-going girl, I grew up here.

Although this was not just our house. This was Lussu's home, Lumi's home. This was Kiko and Kai's first home too. I can remember those days when they came to this house.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was looking at my room and remembering every memory in my room. In this house I cried, I broke down, I almost gave up, I almost lost. Yes almost. I won't say this was my favorite place. But this bedroom was one of my go-to places.

Though I hate packing, but this time packing was fun. I found so many old things of mine, so many memories of them. 

What I'm gonna miss most about living here are my two special friends. My two dogs. I wish I could take them with me.

17 March, We moved out finally. The house feels smaller somehow. I had no idea what I was feeling.

You don't know how deeply you are intertwined with a place until you have to leave that place.

It's been 3 days in the house. It feels like I'm a guest here. Soon I'll go back to my old house. You all know the quote, 'Sometimes your heart needs time to accept something; your brain already knows. That's what is happening to me right now. Good things take time. So right now I'm hoping for good.

Kiko-Kai loves this house though. They play hide and seek now. At least they are enjoying it.

2weeks have passed. Still sometimes when I wake up in the morning and look around the room it feels weird. Then again sometimes my brain needs some time to remember everything after I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night forget that we moved here and I ask myself why I am here. Man, I miss my old bedroom.

Obviously, this house is better than the previous one. But that house will always be my 1st Home.

After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has a nicer view and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up. That home where you grew up will always be your first home.

A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU

I think the hardest part of losing someone you love is not saying goodbye. It's trying to get used to the silence. The silence that used to be noisy because they were getting ready in the morning, the sound of their laughter, or them just simply talking. And silence doesn't always have to mean the absence of sound. It's the emptiness of the chair they used to sit in, imagining them at the sink washing the dishes and instincts of pulling out your phone to call them. It's learning how to live without them. Always trying to look for them. Smelling everything that they owned to try and get their scent. Just wanting something to hold onto. Eventually becoming exhausted realizing that they really are no longer here physically.

I knew 22december is the longest night of the year. But 20 Feb night was different. I was happy the whole day because ammu was coming back from the hospital. She did. Not to stay but to see everyone for the last time.

It was 905,I was sitting in front of ammu. She was praying. Suddenly she fell down from the bed. I couldn't hold her. Everyone came. I was calling her to wake up. She didn't listen. I got out of the room because I couldn't stand there anymore. I was standing outside the room waiting for ammu to wake up. But she didn't. Everyone rushed to the hospital. I was at home trying not to overthink, was trying to convince myself that everything is gonna be okay. After a while, I went to the hospital. When I reached there, she was lying on the floor,her face was covered.

Never in life I heard the sound of a breaking heart. I did that day. It was loud.

I sat beside her for a while. I didn't look at her or touch her for the last time. I was scared that if I see her or touch her I would know that she left. I didn't want to know that.

We came home. All the way back home I told myself it's a bad dream. just wake up. We reached home. But the dream wasn't over yet.

I always wanted to walk on the roads after midnight. I always thought it would be so peaceful. That night I walked on the roads after midnight for the first time. But I didn't want to. I was walking on the road, feeling nothing at all. I was trying to understand what just happened. And why! Maybe it's just a bad dream. I'm sleeping right now. My alarm will ring any minute now. I'll woke up and see ammu is sleeping beside me.

Again the dream wasn't over yet. I was standing there, processing the whole thing in my head.

I saw many people that day. Out of all of them, my brother was standing there trying to not to cry. Well he is the strongest person I know.

God knows how many times I asked him why every time when I think that, now I'm gonna have everything I always wanted, I lose someone. Why every time? This past year I had a lot of questions. I used to ask others every time I needed an answer. But never I asked myself. But today I've every answer except this one. I don't think I'll ever get that answer. Maybe that's the rule of life. You will never have all the answers. You just have to accept that. I convinced myself that.

I used to say to myself ammu was tired, she needed rest. That's why she had to go. But no. What she actually needed was bubu.

Lussu, our first ever pet. She used to think ammu as her mother even though my brother brought her. She used to love ammu the most. It took her almost 2months that ammu was not coming back. She was my strongest baby. But she couldn't hold on anymore. That's why she left too. I know lussu, right now is running around heaven, playing with ammu and bubu. She is now happy.

One year has passed. Every day I wake up hoping it was all just a bad dream.

I told God I know that everything happens for a reason. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Then why doesn't it feel like it?

Now when I look at the sky I don't get mad,I don't ask why. I feel happy because now ammu is with someone she always wanted to be with. Bubu. She used to miss her a lot. She wanted to be with her always. Today they are together. When I look at the sky today I can see them happier than ever. They are watching over me. Can't wait to see them again. Maybe soon.

People's life is like a book. You have to read every line, meet every character to turn the page,to move on to the next chapter. Sometimes turning the page is the hardest part. The worst part is you can't skip it.

If I have learned anything from life, it's that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. There's always hope. Because we all get lucky in turn. My turn will come. Till then have fun ammu with everyone. You will always be a part of me.

Every time you lose someone you love, they take a part of you with them and leave their one part with you. With every beat of your heart, they live with you.

Take The First Step

 Taking the first step is always scary. I remember when I decided to open my art account I was scared. Because what if I'm not good at it. When I posted my first art on my account I got so much support and appreciation from my friends and strangers. I met people through my arts. Those people are a big part of my life now. Even when I decided to write blogs I was super scared. Because I know I am worse at expressing myself and also nobody will read them anyway. I didn't know what will happen. I didn't know if I'll be able to do it or not. But after publishing my first blog so many people read and appreciated it. They inspired me to keep writing. Even people from foreign countries read my blog. 

I know I still have to get better. Hopefully, I will. You know what I realized that if I didn't open my art account or publish my first blog in the first place I would never know I could do it. I'm so glad I took that first step.

You don't need to see the whole path to take the first step. You can take the first step with confidence and trust, and it can be done with fear and doubt. The best journeys happen when we don't plan them all the way through.

They can take us on a path that's not always planned for us. They can teach us things we never expected to learn.

So when you find yourself at the foot of a path, don't worry about everything ahead. Just take the first step, you will find your way. 

If you're thinking about starting something new but are scared. This is your sign. Take the first step!

I Want To Be

My goal in life is to be one of those people who are just light. You see them and you suddenly feel so warm inside and all you want to do is hug them. And they look at you and smile with the warmest light in their eyes and you love them. maybe not in a romantic way but you just want to be close to them and you hope some of their light transfers onto you.

I wanna be that person who just radiates nice energy like, I wanna be that person who you've never spoken to before but you think of me as a friend already. I wanna be that person you feel that you can come to for advice whenever or someone who makes you feel better by just talking to you. I'm gonna try really hard to be that person.

I want to be one of those; people can rely on. When people are around them they feel safe.

I want to be someone's diary. Human diary. They tell you with no shame or anything. Because they know you'll listen.

I'm someone who saves things. I'll hold on forever. 

On Becoming Who We Really Are

 We all want to be the best version of ourselves. If you look around you'll see. Everyone is trying to become their best version because everyone wants the same thing but not everyone's way is the same.

Everybody grows at their own pace. No matter how much you rush yourself it will never work. Trust your pace. Fall in love with the process of becoming the very best version of yourself.

Just push the button of the self you wish to be, and the best personality of yourself begins to form. Your best self already exists; just waiting to be downloaded. We become gracious when we decide to be gracious. We have the power to generate as well as react to feelings; to hone our personalities as we travel through life. In the words of George Eliot, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." It is never too late to become who we really are. Every day, make a tiny agreement with yourself and follow through with it. You'll start to see yourself as a person who honors their word, even when no one's watching.

The minute you decide you want better for yourself is the minute the entire universe begins to shift in your favor. Your declaration, command, intentions, visions, and prayers begin the creation of the new reality. Be who you needed when you were younger. All you have to do today is decide and never look back. You're amazing; own that shit.