A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU

I think the hardest part of losing someone you love is not saying goodbye. It's trying to get used to the silence. The silence that used to be noisy because they were getting ready in the morning, the sound of their laughter, or them just simply talking. And silence doesn't always have to mean the absence of sound. It's the emptiness of the chair they used to sit in, imagining them at the sink washing the dishes and instincts of pulling out your phone to call them. It's learning how to live without them. Always trying to look for them. Smelling everything that they owned to try and get their scent. Just wanting something to hold onto. Eventually becoming exhausted realizing that they really are no longer here physically.

I knew 22december is the longest night of the year. But 20 Feb night was different. I was happy the whole day because ammu was coming back from the hospital. She did. Not to stay but to see everyone for the last time.

It was 905,I was sitting in front of ammu. She was praying. Suddenly she fell down from the bed. I couldn't hold her. Everyone came. I was calling her to wake up. She didn't listen. I got out of the room because I couldn't stand there anymore. I was standing outside the room waiting for ammu to wake up. But she didn't. Everyone rushed to the hospital. I was at home trying not to overthink, was trying to convince myself that everything is gonna be okay. After a while, I went to the hospital. When I reached there, she was lying on the floor,her face was covered.

Never in life I heard the sound of a breaking heart. I did that day. It was loud.

I sat beside her for a while. I didn't look at her or touch her for the last time. I was scared that if I see her or touch her I would know that she left. I didn't want to know that.

We came home. All the way back home I told myself it's a bad dream. just wake up. We reached home. But the dream wasn't over yet.

I always wanted to walk on the roads after midnight. I always thought it would be so peaceful. That night I walked on the roads after midnight for the first time. But I didn't want to. I was walking on the road, feeling nothing at all. I was trying to understand what just happened. And why! Maybe it's just a bad dream. I'm sleeping right now. My alarm will ring any minute now. I'll woke up and see ammu is sleeping beside me.

Again the dream wasn't over yet. I was standing there, processing the whole thing in my head.

I saw many people that day. Out of all of them, my brother was standing there trying to not to cry. Well he is the strongest person I know.

God knows how many times I asked him why every time when I think that, now I'm gonna have everything I always wanted, I lose someone. Why every time? This past year I had a lot of questions. I used to ask others every time I needed an answer. But never I asked myself. But today I've every answer except this one. I don't think I'll ever get that answer. Maybe that's the rule of life. You will never have all the answers. You just have to accept that. I convinced myself that.

I used to say to myself ammu was tired, she needed rest. That's why she had to go. But no. What she actually needed was bubu.

Lussu, our first ever pet. She used to think ammu as her mother even though my brother brought her. She used to love ammu the most. It took her almost 2months that ammu was not coming back. She was my strongest baby. But she couldn't hold on anymore. That's why she left too. I know lussu, right now is running around heaven, playing with ammu and bubu. She is now happy.

One year has passed. Every day I wake up hoping it was all just a bad dream.

I told God I know that everything happens for a reason. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Then why doesn't it feel like it?

Now when I look at the sky I don't get mad,I don't ask why. I feel happy because now ammu is with someone she always wanted to be with. Bubu. She used to miss her a lot. She wanted to be with her always. Today they are together. When I look at the sky today I can see them happier than ever. They are watching over me. Can't wait to see them again. Maybe soon.

People's life is like a book. You have to read every line, meet every character to turn the page,to move on to the next chapter. Sometimes turning the page is the hardest part. The worst part is you can't skip it.

If I have learned anything from life, it's that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. There's always hope. Because we all get lucky in turn. My turn will come. Till then have fun ammu with everyone. You will always be a part of me.

Every time you lose someone you love, they take a part of you with them and leave their one part with you. With every beat of your heart, they live with you.