A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU

I think the hardest part of losing someone you love is not saying goodbye. It's trying to get used to the silence. The silence that used to be noisy because they were getting ready in the morning, the sound of their laughter, or them just simply talking. And silence doesn't always have to mean the absence of sound. It's the emptiness of the chair they used to sit in, imagining them at the sink washing the dishes and instincts of pulling out your phone to call them. It's learning how to live without them. Always trying to look for them. Smelling everything that they owned to try and get their scent. Just wanting something to hold onto. Eventually becoming exhausted realizing that they really are no longer here physically.

I knew 22december is the longest night of the year. But 20 Feb night was different. I was happy the whole day because ammu was coming back from the hospital. She did. Not to stay but to see everyone for the last time.

It was 905,I was sitting in front of ammu. She was praying. Suddenly she fell down from the bed. I couldn't hold her. Everyone came. I was calling her to wake up. She didn't listen. I got out of the room because I couldn't stand there anymore. I was standing outside the room waiting for ammu to wake up. But she didn't. Everyone rushed to the hospital. I was at home trying not to overthink, was trying to convince myself that everything is gonna be okay. After a while, I went to the hospital. When I reached there, she was lying on the floor,her face was covered.

Never in life I heard the sound of a breaking heart. I did that day. It was loud.

I sat beside her for a while. I didn't look at her or touch her for the last time. I was scared that if I see her or touch her I would know that she left. I didn't want to know that.

We came home. All the way back home I told myself it's a bad dream. just wake up. We reached home. But the dream wasn't over yet.

I always wanted to walk on the roads after midnight. I always thought it would be so peaceful. That night I walked on the roads after midnight for the first time. But I didn't want to. I was walking on the road, feeling nothing at all. I was trying to understand what just happened. And why! Maybe it's just a bad dream. I'm sleeping right now. My alarm will ring any minute now. I'll woke up and see ammu is sleeping beside me.

Again the dream wasn't over yet. I was standing there, processing the whole thing in my head.

I saw many people that day. Out of all of them, my brother was standing there trying to not to cry. Well he is the strongest person I know.

God knows how many times I asked him why every time when I think that, now I'm gonna have everything I always wanted, I lose someone. Why every time? This past year I had a lot of questions. I used to ask others every time I needed an answer. But never I asked myself. But today I've every answer except this one. I don't think I'll ever get that answer. Maybe that's the rule of life. You will never have all the answers. You just have to accept that. I convinced myself that.

I used to say to myself ammu was tired, she needed rest. That's why she had to go. But no. What she actually needed was bubu.

Lussu, our first ever pet. She used to think ammu as her mother even though my brother brought her. She used to love ammu the most. It took her almost 2months that ammu was not coming back. She was my strongest baby. But she couldn't hold on anymore. That's why she left too. I know lussu, right now is running around heaven, playing with ammu and bubu. She is now happy.

One year has passed. Every day I wake up hoping it was all just a bad dream.

I told God I know that everything happens for a reason. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Then why doesn't it feel like it?

Now when I look at the sky I don't get mad,I don't ask why. I feel happy because now ammu is with someone she always wanted to be with. Bubu. She used to miss her a lot. She wanted to be with her always. Today they are together. When I look at the sky today I can see them happier than ever. They are watching over me. Can't wait to see them again. Maybe soon.

People's life is like a book. You have to read every line, meet every character to turn the page,to move on to the next chapter. Sometimes turning the page is the hardest part. The worst part is you can't skip it.

If I have learned anything from life, it's that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. There's always hope. Because we all get lucky in turn. My turn will come. Till then have fun ammu with everyone. You will always be a part of me.

Every time you lose someone you love, they take a part of you with them and leave their one part with you. With every beat of your heart, they live with you.

Take The First Step

 Taking the first step is always scary. I remember when I decided to open my art account I was scared. Because what if I'm not good at it. When I posted my first art on my account I got so much support and appreciation from my friends and strangers. I met people through my arts. Those people are a big part of my life now. Even when I decided to write blogs I was super scared. Because I know I am worse at expressing myself and also nobody will read them anyway. I didn't know what will happen. I didn't know if I'll be able to do it or not. But after publishing my first blog so many people read and appreciated it. They inspired me to keep writing. Even people from foreign countries read my blog. 

I know I still have to get better. Hopefully, I will. You know what I realized that if I didn't open my art account or publish my first blog in the first place I would never know I could do it. I'm so glad I took that first step.

You don't need to see the whole path to take the first step. You can take the first step with confidence and trust, and it can be done with fear and doubt. The best journeys happen when we don't plan them all the way through.

They can take us on a path that's not always planned for us. They can teach us things we never expected to learn.

So when you find yourself at the foot of a path, don't worry about everything ahead. Just take the first step, you will find your way. 

If you're thinking about starting something new but are scared. This is your sign. Take the first step!

I Want To Be

My goal in life is to be one of those people who are just light. You see them and you suddenly feel so warm inside and all you want to do is hug them. And they look at you and smile with the warmest light in their eyes and you love them. maybe not in a romantic way but you just want to be close to them and you hope some of their light transfers onto you.

I wanna be that person who just radiates nice energy like, I wanna be that person who you've never spoken to before but you think of me as a friend already. I wanna be that person you feel that you can come to for advice whenever or someone who makes you feel better by just talking to you. I'm gonna try really hard to be that person.

I want to be one of those; people can rely on. When people are around them they feel safe.

I want to be someone's diary. Human diary. They tell you with no shame or anything. Because they know you'll listen.

I'm someone who saves things. I'll hold on forever. 

On Becoming Who We Really Are

 We all want to be the best version of ourselves. If you look around you'll see. Everyone is trying to become their best version because everyone wants the same thing but not everyone's way is the same.

Everybody grows at their own pace. No matter how much you rush yourself it will never work. Trust your pace. Fall in love with the process of becoming the very best version of yourself.

Just push the button of the self you wish to be, and the best personality of yourself begins to form. Your best self already exists; just waiting to be downloaded. We become gracious when we decide to be gracious. We have the power to generate as well as react to feelings; to hone our personalities as we travel through life. In the words of George Eliot, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." It is never too late to become who we really are. Every day, make a tiny agreement with yourself and follow through with it. You'll start to see yourself as a person who honors their word, even when no one's watching.

The minute you decide you want better for yourself is the minute the entire universe begins to shift in your favor. Your declaration, command, intentions, visions, and prayers begin the creation of the new reality. Be who you needed when you were younger. All you have to do today is decide and never look back. You're amazing; own that shit.

Plans For My ADULTHOOD

 I'm almost an adult. I guess. I don't realize that every day though. But sometimes at night when I look at the ceiling suddenly I realize that I'm gonna be 21 this year?! what the hell! 

I watched people who are the same age as me and they achieved so many things in their 20s. Doing their job and everything and I'm still stuck in 2018; the last year of my school.

 When I first realized that I told my best friend. She was as shocked as me that we finished school 4years ago and we are friends for 9years now!

Both of us can't believe that we are gonna be officially an adult! That's crazy.

So after the realization, I started to think about what I'm gonna do with my life. Well I don't know. But I'm trying to figure out about myself. About the things I can do and the things I cannot do. It's a lot harder than I thought though.

Trying to do new things so that I can figure them out myself. Like writing blogs. Because for someone like me it's a lot harder to explain to people what is going on inside your head.

But if I think about it I'm doing this for years. Writing. My friend invented this actually. Because she knew it was difficult for me to tell anything. So she asked me to write about those like letters and give them to her. I loved to express myself this way. It's a lot easier for me.

Then it became a tradition. I started to give letters for my friend's birthdays. I even wrote love letters. Some people might find it old-fashioned. But for me it's the best way show love to someone who means a lot to you.

From writing letters to chats and now blogs. Not a long time I guess. 4 or 5 years. During this time I've lost hope and confidence often enough. Then I took some time but finally I've found my way back. And today I'm trying to reach people with my words. Trying to make a difference. Does my words really make a difference? I don't know. I hope it will someday.

Also I'm planning to start YouTube. I don't know can I even do that or not. But it's worth taking the risk right. Maybe I'll be good at it if I try. Maybe I just don't know now. But if I don't try I'll never know and that's even scarier.

It's funny that I'm the same person who liked to be invisible, who never wanted to come out of her comfort zone. Now trying to do everything so that she can make a difference. I went through a development and growth that I never envisaged until a few years ago. Maybe if I keep writing about it I'll make a difference.

Keep Swimming

 Seven billion people and some of us have just had the best day of our lives. Today may have been the worst day of your life but you should celebrate the simple fact that it wasn't your best day but it is on its way. Because we all get lucky in turn.

Remember those days when you thought of dying; you survived those days. You can survive this day too. You will heal sweetheart. You just have to trust the process.

Wake up from your bed, make some coffee, open your journal and get all your feelings laid on every blank page of your journal. Write about everything. Write about those days that you were happy, write about those days that were tough still you made it through, write about those people who made you happy, write about your first day at school, write about your best friend, write about the best day of your life, write about the person you lost, write about that day when you made the best coffee. Write about it. It doesn't have to make any sense to others as long as it makes sense to you.

And When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?.....just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

       

   -- that's what Dory said to marlin when marlin was looking for Nemo.

Keep swimming!

Let Yourself Feel Everything

 Let yourself feel everything. Maybe whatever you're feeling right now doesn't make any sense, maybe everything is alright you're just scared, maybe just because someone is not with you right now doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. You have to know the feeling is real, but it may not be true. If you don't let yourself feel anything you'll never know.

By ignoring what you're feeling right now, maybe you're keeping peace around you. But what about the peace inside you? 

People often say it's just feeling it'll pass. Truth is it will never pass unless you let yourself feel anything.

We all are messed up people. We do things that we never wanted to do. Yet it happens. Everything happens for a reason trust that. Everything got messed up so that it can be fixed in a better way. Trust that.

Get all your feelings laid out on every blank page of your journal. See what you're missing. Tell yourself what you need to hear and let those feelings pass away.